Being an authority figure/ a Parent means you are trusted and respected, not feared. As with most rulers that base their authority on fear by beating those that don't conform never last and usually are faced with Revolution..
A child's memories of being smacked can linger longer in their memories than happier times when growing up. We are all more likely to recall traumatic experiences than joyful ones. Think back to your childhood and see what stands out?
For me I grew up in a loving home, there was a lot of loud arguments, being that we are South American and even though I know it was a loving home I still recall the belt being taken off my fathers pants and me running to my room in total fear or the occasional platform shoe being thrown in my general direction. (Thank goodness the 70's are over)
There was one occasion when I have smacked and it was the last time. I actually found in this situation Amelie asking me for a hug as if to ask for forgiveness. She had obviously felt the smack, inside as well as out, and that lasted longer than the hug we had afterwards. That was the hardest thing I've had to see with tears running down her face, arms outstretched. I couldn't bare the pain it caused not only for her but for myself. I felt my heart being wrenched out of me. I felt a bond that was there being torn apart. It was then I decided there has to be a better way, it was then with tears now coming down my cheeks that I didn't want to lose something so special, something that we may never have again.
I decided not to smack again because I asked a question of myself…
Did I smack to punish my child, or to vent my anger?
I wasn't giving my inquisitive child a smack because she was behaving like a tyrant, but rather I felt I was being put-out or inconvenienced. I've read that… ('Parents who are programmed to punish set themselves up for punishing harder, mainly because they have not learned alternatives and click immediately into the punishment mode when their child misbehaves.') I agree because if you go down this path, where does it end? Or more importantly, what does it lead to?
So how do you prevent yourself from smacking just from impulse?
⁃ I think the best way is to first repeat to yourself or rather instil in your subconscious that you won't smack.
⁃ That you will still discipline.
⁃ And to find an alternative to a smack.
I have found out since doing this that a stern but respectful word is more powerful in accomplishing what you want than a compulsive smack. I found that spending a lot of time with my girl doesn't give her the opportunity to get bored and thereby find other ways to get my attention by misbehaving. I found that a child just needs to have fun. I found that by letting my little helper assist in the work around the house she feels older but most importantly I let Amelie be a child.
So does Smacking show that it's all right for you to vent your anger or right a wrong?
Well I don't think so but others may differ. My reasoning is that Smacking really only tells your child that it's all right for people to hit people, and for big people to hit little people, and stronger people to hit weaker ones. Children then learn the only way to resolve a dispute or problem is to lash-out! As one study finds… ('a child whose behaviour is controlled by spanking is likely to carry on this mode of interaction into other relationships with siblings and peers, and eventually a spouse and offspring.')
I'd like to know from others their opinion on this matter, To Smack or Not To Smack That is the Question?
Side Note: One thing I have a big intolerance towards is the smacking of the hands. The hands of a tiny toddler or even slightly older child are a part of their curiosity, a tool used for exploring. By hitting these little hands you are reducing the child's want in searching their environment. Scaring them into not wanting to know more about their surroundings, new, fascinating, albeit in some cases dangerous things but with a simple gentle moving of the hand away and explaining the danger is far more an acceptable form of nurturing. Who is really to blame if the child is not being supervised appropriately?
Needless to say, everyone was crying. Enjoy being with your children as it doesn't seem to last long.
